On a cold night at the North Pole
where icy snowflakes fall
Rudolph called a meeting
at the reindeer union hall
He said listen here my brothers
I think that we’re being screwed
You may call him Jolly Santa
I call him Mr Shrewd
He pens us up for months on end
eating nothing but stale hay
And when he’s good and ready
he hooks us to his sleigh
There is no talk of overtime
or any travel monies
We’re proud and mighty reindeer
and he’s playing us for bunnies
No meal allowance, no sickies
No holidays pre planned
Sharpen up your antlers boys
It’s time to make a stand
Here’s what I propose for us
my comrades brave and hearty
There will be no Christmas this year
unless Santa comes to t’party
The reindeer threw their heads back
and roared in righteous rage
Rudoph’s nose shone so brightly
A kind of radiant beige
Union strife was new to Santa
It was not the North Pole way
So he put in a call to the president
of the good old USA
‘Santa we had the same problem
down in goddamn Mexico
if you build a great wall around them
then they got no place to go’
‘Trump your brain’s been addled
from all that orange dye
If I build a goddamn wall round them
Then the goddamn things can’t fly’
So Santa tried another tack
and after much brainstormin’
he consulted the Gallagher Brothers,
Liam, Noel and Norman
Sadly Norm had passed away
after covering all his bases
and Noel and Liam were brawling over
some rock band called Oasis
Santa Claus’s mind then snapped
he howled up at the sky
‘I am the Red Avenger
and I’ll not let Christmas die!’
He strode up to the union hall
like a blind man on a binge
And when he reached the huge oak door,
savagely kicked it off the hinge
‘Well done comrade Rudolph
You’ve won your little game
I’m sick of Christmas anyway
You can have the fame’
‘You climb down the chimneys
and put up with the elves
I’m off to Rio with the missus
to enjoy some time ourselves’
‘One little thing though Rudy
before I hit the skids
One unpleasant duty
you’ll have to tell the kids’
‘Tell all the little children
on their ruined Christmas Day
Tell them it was worth it
for your newly-won fresh hay’
‘Tell them shed no bitter tears
for the Yuletide that they’ve missed
tell them they’ll thank you one day
when they’re full grown socialists’
‘Tell them they’re small heroes
the bravest in the land
Tell them history will remember them
I’m sure they’ll understand’
‘You guys won’t get a gig like this
not this side of Mars
You’ll end up pulling pinky floats
at the Sydney Mardi Gras’
The reindeer were all shattered
they wanted jolly Santa back
They didn’t know this madman
in a red suit with a sack
And so it fell to Rudolph
to make or break this day
He shook his head most ruefully
and asked ‘Which way the sleigh?’
Santa smiled to himself
He might be getting old
but he knew like all good working folk
deep down Rudolph’s heart was gold
The moral here is twofold
Wear the cap only if it fits
and Santa is a nice guy
But don’t give him the shits.
Merry Christmas from the Ecuadorian Embassy
